Thursday, October 2, 2008
My war with myself
It s better to live your destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life perfectly- The Bhagavad Gita
The other morning I woke up with a profound and deep thought...'' I ve lived all my life on rules set by others-parents, society and have I been happy ?'' No not yet. So its time I started questioning all that I ve lived by.
Moral Codes- still stuck in them
Religion- I have already discarded
Prejudice-Trying to identify and drop them
The last year I have been a sponge, absorbed all that I could reading books, attending workshops and having interesting discussions with friends.
Now I have reached a stage where I have started questioning like a child for I am still a child where spirituality is concerned.
Living by others rules and arguing it out internally with what the little voice inside told me, was a constant war. I have been at war. Rules always won the battle till I was 25 years.The little voice was always low so it stood no chance anyway. Life took a sharp turn and then something snapped inside me and i stopped analysing and going by rules. Not sure where its leading me.
But Spirituality is not an easy path, has never been an easy one for anyone. It will consume me I am sure. Its better than living like a hypocrite, smiling on the outside and hurting inside.
I have become more vocal. I lose my temper more easily . Not that , this is good. I think its better than seething inside , not expressing, repressing and falling ill.
My neck has become worse. Its stiff and painful. My stomach wont accept any spicy, oily food. This forces me to eat like an ascetic and practise Yoga.
I cannot see myself fit into any so called ideal roles..ideal mother, ideal wife...ideal citizen. Roles I was trained to enact the first 25 years of my life.
What a disappointment I ve turned out for everyone...makes we want to laugh and cry at once..
Its not easy to let go of ego-so much went into building it..words unsaid, feelings repressed, moments lost, being a rat in the rat race. I have to discard my ego..its always been too strong for my own good.
Life has dealt me blows everytime I lost touch with my inner voice. Everytime I've lost track spirituality brings me back. Maybe I have the greatest teacher ' Life Itself '. Events unfold with amazing synchronicity. No, I dont call them coincidence anymore. I dont need evidence ..it's so well planned and laid out. The wisdom and intelligence behind all this is so obviously great that
I 'd be a fool not to acknowledge it. I dont want to cage this immense infinite power by calling it any names.
I ve decided to stop analysing and letting go, let events unfold and go with the flow. Stop fighting what is obvious. In the past everytime I fought I fell greiviously ill.
I ve gone through stages where I thought God was punishing me..(sounds ridiculous now) originating from my Christian roots where you thing God is to be feared..hence strict moral rules.
No I never stopped falling ill..so I thought my belief system made no sense as I was sticking by all the rules.
Next time I fell ill I blamed it on my high paying, high stress job. Now this sounds more practical maybe closer to the truth.
Now i think, everytime I stop listening to mybody and my inner voice, I fall ill. When the body, mind and soul lose their alignment illness manifests to set right this misalignment. Yoga taught me to keep this alignment in place.
Health is the foundation without which you can't reach spiritual heights. Now I need to get back into health, release all mental and physical blocks as I have a long path to tread and the path is precarious. If I can't preserve this body I will have to take ennumerable births to reach my zenith.